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L: You know, Esrog, I find it difficult to remember the different themes of the numerous Jewish holidays. E: I can help you, Lulav. L: Really? Something short while I stand on one foot? E: How about an eleven-word summary (six in Hebrew) that applies to just about all of them? L: You must be kidding me! E: Nope. Here it is.
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| “They tried to kill us, G-d helped, we won; let’s eat!” (and in Hebrew:) "øöå ìäøâðå, ä' äöéìîå, áà ìàëì" "Ratzu l'hargeinu, Hashem hatzileinu, bo ne'echol" | |
A Jewish painter once went to speak privately with his rabbi shortly in Elul, the month that precedes the High Holy days. He confided in him that he had done dreadful things professionally: he had used poor quality paint and lied about it; he had not prepared the surfaces properly and lied about it; and had thinned his paint with turpentine. He asked what he could do to atone. Responded his rabbi:
"Repaint. Repaint, and thin no more."
"Thank you for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline here in Heaven.
Due to the approaching High Holidays, which is our busiest season, all of our
telephone lines are temporarily busy. Please wait patiently as your call will
be answered in sequence - and remember, patience is a virtue.
"Please note: these telephone lines will not be available on the two days of Rosh Hashana, and on Yom Kippur
"Thank you for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline here in Heaven.
For a voice recording in Ashkenazic English dialect, press 1,
for Sephardic accent, press 2,
for Brooklyn accent, press 3.
For Hebrew, press 4,
for Yiddish, press 5,
for Russian, press 6,
If you are uncertain, press 7.
For others, press 8. Please note that our service is not available in Arabic
or French
"If you have never used the Interactive Teshuva Hotline before, you will need to listen carefully to our simple sequenced instructions. This service is available for touch-tone telephone users as a supplement to your praying at shul over the Ten Days of Awe. It is not a substitute.
"Let us now begin.
"To access your personalized account of all your known sins, including dates and affected parties, please press 1 now. Unless, if you have not already apologized to the affected parties, please hang up now and call back when this has been done.
"For a personalized list of sins towards the Al-mighty, please press 2.
"Please note: in order to provide timely service to all callers, there is now a limit of 20 sins per person at one time. Politicians and Publicists will require several visits to complete their inventory.
"Please select the sins you have committed this past year. In case you have forgotten, we offer a list of the most popular sins. To activate this function, please press the pound (#) key.
"Once you have chosen the proper sin, enter the code and press the pound key to enter it.
"As you enter your sin, our service will prompt you for your explanation.
If you committed the sin because he/she did it, press 1.
If you did so by accident, but did not mean to, press 2.
If you have a good reason, but won't tell anyone what it is, press 3.
If you did so knowing you were wrong, but didn't think you would get caught,
press 4.
If you blame your legal counsel, press 5.
If you blame the influence of Freud or television, press 6.
If you blame it on Rock n' Roll, Rap and/or drugs, press 7.
If you want to blame someone else but can't think of anyone in particular, press
8.
"At the conclusion of your sins, enter the star (*) key.
"For those of you with 7 sins or less, we offer a Tzadik (righteous
person) Express Line.
Please press 1 to access this Express line now.
This is only for real tzadikim: if you think you are a tzadik or tzadeket,
you are probably not.
Remember, no sneaking in with 8 or more sins.
And please note: the same sin committed against two individuals counts as two
items.
"Now that you have entered your personal sins, you may access the Selichot (petitions for forgiveness) component of our service. As our computer reads out each sin you have indicated, please enter the appropriate contrition code.
"For example, a '1' means you are only mildly sorry for your action,
'2' means you are somewhat sorry, but have mitigating circumstances and a good
lawyer,
'3' means you are very sorry but will likely repeat it and have a great lawyer,
'4' means you are very very sorry, and will not repeat it unless there are mitigating
circumstances and you have Dershowitz on retainer,
and '5' means you are extremely sorry and will not repeat the sin under any
circumstances, since you have only your second cousin's son-in law who failed
the bar twice.
Please proceed with your Selichot sequence now....
"Our computer has now processed your request for Kapparah (atonement).
But you should know, before we reveal the decision results, you may increase
your score by pledging additional tzedakah (charity) to your favorite
charity organization, even if tax-deductible. All major credit cards are accepted.
Please enter your pledge amount (in US dollars), followed by your credit card
number and expiration date.
Thank you.
"Based on your Aveirah (sins) Score, Selichot Score and
Tzedakah Score, you have been granted conditional atonement.
This offer expires within one calendar year.
"Thank you for visiting the Teshuva Hotline today, and remember:
we know everything.
Levi goes over to his friend Shimon's house and they shmooze for hours. Levi
says, "It is getting very late. It must be way past midnight. What time
is it?"
"Sorry, I don't have a clock," replies Shimon with a shrug.
"You don't have a clock?!"
"Why should I? I have a shofar."
"A shofar? How can you tell time with a shofar?"
"Just watch," says Shimon with a grin. He sticks his head out the window and blows a piercing long blast with his shofar
All of a sudden windows in the street start opening. "What are you crazy? Blowing a shofar?? It's TWO OCLOCK IN THE MORNING!"
"See," says the host. "It works. The shofar tells us what time it is."
A very cute and clever one-minute video
Just before Rosh HaShana, a team of terrorists invades the suburban shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not such bad people, they'll grant each hostage one wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh HaShana sermon. What a waste to die now without having delivered it before an audience. I'll feel completed if you let me recite my sermon. It's only about 45 minutes long -- one hour tops." They promise to grant him the wish.
"Please," says the cantor, "after 40 years I've finally gotten
the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience.
It's only about half an hour long - then I can go happily." The terrorists
promise to grant the cantor his wish too.
Then they turn to their third hostage.
"Please, please," says the shul president with tears in his eyes, "Shoot me first!"
On Rosh Hashanah, the holiday celebrating the start of the new Jewish year, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. To perform it, Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are
suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:
For ordinary sins ... White Bread
For complex sins ... Multigrain
For erotic sins ... French bread
For particularly dark sins ... Pumpernickel
For sins of indecision ... Waffles
For sins committed in haste ... Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah ... Fresh Bread
For timidity/cowardice ... Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness ... Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity ... Nut Bread
For twisted sins ... Pretzels
For tasteless sins ... Rice Cakes
For petty larceny ... Stollen
For committing auto theft ... Caraway
For not giving full value ... Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism ... Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony ... Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances ... Hero Bread
For war-mongering ... Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly ... Tarts
For causing injury to others ... Tortes
For racist attitudes ... Crackers
For sophisticated racism ... Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou ... Bagels
For abrasiveness ... Grits
For dropping in without notice ... Popovers
For overeating ... Stuffing
For impetuosity ... Quick Bread
For raising your voice too often ... Challah
For pride and egotism ... Puff Pastry
For sycophancy ... Brownies
For being overly smothering ... Angel Food Cake
For always giving in to temptation... Devil's Food Cake
For laziness ... Any long loaf
For trashing the environment ... Dumplings
For substance abuse ... Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs ... Poppy Seed
And, finally, …
For telling bad jokes/puns ... Corn Bread
For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we suggest a Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Medium, and Industrial Strength) at your favorite Jewish bookstore.
[Submitted by Velvel Kopp]
YOM
KIPPUR ONLINE
(by William Finn, D.C. of Kibbutz Gezer)
My soul
is like a hard drive, slow and sluggish from accumulated data.
Once a year
I run the Yom Kippur program, and cull the extraneous files.
Each is examined,
its worth is determined. I neither eat nor drink, for fear of spilling on the
keyboard.
All day my modem is uplinked to the celestial bulletin board.
I
put all my sins into the GOAT file.
Then delete.
Somewhere in the memory
lies a trace of everything I've done.
Only G-d can empty the trash bin.
A guy wanted to get into a shul on Yom Kippur, but realized that he was in trouble because at the temple near him, they don't let you in without a ticket.
Then he had an idea. He said to the doorman, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door said, "Sorry, you can't go in without a ticket."
The first guy replied, "Just let me in for one minute to tell my friend,
then I'll be right out."
"Alright," said the doorman, "but I better not catch you praying."
As an El-Al plane was landing at Ben Gurion Airport in December, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board of this aircraft is strictly prohibited."
Then, continuing,: "To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay in Israel. And to those of you standing in the aisles and talking on their cell phone, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome back home."
[from e-wsn]
"Does Tu B'shevat occur before Three B'shevat?"
Ten reasons for celebrating Purim:
1. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah.
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.
3. If you're having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask & no one
will
know who you are.
4. Mordechai - 1; Haman - 0.
5. You get to drink wine & you don't have to stand for Kiddush.
6. You don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes.
7. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka-- the
Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights.
8. You don't have to build a sukkah and eat outside.
9. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav.
10. You can't eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.
Q: How do we know that the people of Shushan were hard of hearing?
A: From the opening verse of Megillat Esther: "Vayeh'hi bemai Achashvarosh.. who? Achashvarosh"!
How do we know that the Jews purchased only with cash in Shushan, the capital of Achashveros' Persian-Babylonian empire?
Because it says so in the Megilah,the Book of Esther, chapter 9, the last six words in verse 10.
It would be better if you looked it up in the original yourelf, but if that is dificult for whatever reason, here is a translation and transliteration.
Verses 6-10: "In Shushan the Capital,the Jews slew and annihilated five hundred men,including...the ten sons of Haman...but they did not lay their hands on the spoils."
"...ubavisa lo shal'chu et yadam" - "...they would not touch VISA!"
[Submitted by Rabbi Yehuda S. Tilles]
A Jew was sitting on a park bench during Passover eating his lunch, when he was approached by a blind beggar. Not happening to have any money with him but not wanting to turn the unfortunate fellow away empty-handed, in desperation he offered him a piece of matzah. The blind man took it wonderingly and walked away. A few minutes later he returned, visibly upset. In an outraged voice he demanded, "Hey! Mister. Who wrote this nonsense?"
With Pesach soon upon them, the Jewish community in Madrid found themselves in a desperate situation. There was an acute shortage of horseradish, a key seder ingredient, known as chrain in Yiddish, the bitterest and most fiery Bitter Herb of them all.
A hue and cry arose and the entire community was mobilized in an effort to prevent this tragedy. All the European Union Jewish communities gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send". In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Jerusalem and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by express air freight to Madrid.
Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph, tear-jerking, Israeli horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the EL Al 789 flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well. Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid Airport to claim the horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.
As a result: The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.
A bio-research institute in Israel is developing plans for cloning sheep.
"When the Holy Temple is rebuilt, there will suddenly be a tremendous demand for blemish-free lambs to use for the different sacrifices on the festivals, the Korban Hagigah, the Korban Shelamim, and of course, on Passover, the Korban Pesach (Passover sacrifice)", explained its director. "We will be able to meet that demand by cloning. Each lamb thus produced will be known as a...
Korban Copy".
[Submitted by Zev Stein]
Perhaps you don't know the method G-D used to kill the Egyptian first-born sons, and yet pass over the homes of the Jews who had placed the blood of the Pascal lamb sacrifice on their doorposts?
The Egyptians died from premature heart attacks. So this particular miracle was history's first recorded coronary bypass.
[Based on a submission from Dr. Yisroel Susskind]
Martin, an elderly man in Miami, calls his son Joe in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says, "and we're fed up with trying to live together. And now, I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister Debbie in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling Joe back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, Esther," he says, "They're coming for Passover Seder and paying their own airfares. But I have no idea how we will pull it off for next year."
Joshua decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of Israel called Joshua into his office and commissioned his company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter. Needless to say, Joshua was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.)
Joshua was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off. Very worried, Joshua went to his synagogue to pray, to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Joshua's sadness, and asked him what was wrong. Joshua decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Joshua's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Joshua smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. So Joshua did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Joshua went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Of course," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Joshua," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah broken on the perforation!"
The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians
continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous
plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and
disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews
launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.
Western journalists were particularly enraged by this
plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an
inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of
CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in
the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were
annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for
me."
While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given
the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh,
the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues
would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live
plague-free. It is the right of every society."
Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that
slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry
supplied to them by the superpower God.
The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish
offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be
peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the
good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques
Chirac.
Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has
barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh
from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the
firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not
necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and
when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone
too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have
virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments.
"The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind
of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.
The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the
Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses
points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free
the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter
impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State
Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in
complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The
Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish
nothing through these plagues."
The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold
new Saudi peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their
language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having
male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with
them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.
From: chazon <chazon@netvision.net.il>
It is said that Boaz married the daughter-in-law of Naomi because he recognized that by doing so he could accomplish a great character rectification, completely changing who he was before he married her to who he became after the wedding. What was this trait?
Answer: Before he married her he was Ruth-less.
A religious-school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment, "Honor thy
Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou
shall not kill."